We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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