I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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