He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
