He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I want a musical about memes.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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