Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
