Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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