Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
