Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
