If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
