So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
