I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
