Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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