I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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