You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
