But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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