Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
