I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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