Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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