my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
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New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
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