I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Randomize
