you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
