Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
