i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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