Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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