your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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