The best revenge is premature balding
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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