sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
