Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
