I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
