I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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