you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
These tits shall not be calmed
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
