Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
