Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
