he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
