Quick, to the slutcave!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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