I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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