Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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