I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
