I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
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Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
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At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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