Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
