I am midnight drunk by noon
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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