life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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