it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
