if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
