jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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