i wish starbucks made bloody marys
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
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they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
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FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize