Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
