Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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