its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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