first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
