First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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