Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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