I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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