Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
PANTIES FOUND
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