Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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