what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
