When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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