I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you had me at cake vodka
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
