Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
