remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
