Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
