3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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