If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
