for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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